


innocence died screaming

by slow_soda_sips (nap_princess)



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: AU, An ending ...?, Crack, Five really needs a nap thou, Gen, Humour, Season 2 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:15:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nap_princess/pseuds/slow_soda_sips
Summary: "Diego, meet my son Diego."— Lila, the Hargreeves siblings and a slight paradox
Relationships: Lila & the Hargreeves siblings, The Hargreeves Family
Comments: 16
Kudos: 61





	innocence died screaming

**Author's Note:**

> Notes 1: Thanks to Kian and Kije for rolling with my nonsense.

**innocence died screaming**

* * *

"Oh shit," The Hargreeves siblings cursed as they stared at the shadowy view of their replacements; the better versions of them; five Sparrow Academy kids and a glowing green cube.

Then there's Ben. Not _their_ Ben, another Ben; the alternative version who thought a barely passable thin moustache and hair inspired by the lead singer of _My Chemical Romance_ himself were an acceptable look in 2019. Who told him that this look is okay? Who allowed him to walk out of the house like this?

Things have gone terribly wrong.

A woman blips into the living room, grabs the back of Diego's collar and basically yells for everyone else to hold onto her. The shiny briefcase in her hand is instantly recognised, and none of the siblings hesitate to do as they're told.

In a blink of an eye, they’re transported elsewhere, to a house that’s somewhat large but cramped and filled with bookcases and portraits and home-y decorations.

“Where are we?” Allison asks.

All eyes set on the mysterious lady who is immediately recognised despite her greying hair and thin wrinkle lines.

“Lila?”

“Hi, Diego.”

“Oh my God, you’re —”

“Don’t you dare say ‘old’,”

“I —”

“What the hell is happening?” Five cuts in, not caring about the ‘lovely’ reunion. (She did try to kill them literally twenty minutes ago.)

“So, here’s the thing,” Lila begins. “I went back in time to save my parents from being killed, and your old man adopted a bunch of different superhero kids.”

“Those are two completely separate things. I don’t see how that has anything to do with us?”

“Well, it’s sort of relevant because there are two versions of ourselves living in this timeline,” Lila explains.

“Wait, what?” Luther asks.

“Do we need to look for them?” Vanya adds.

Five’s grip tightens around his own briefcase, and he struggles to rub his face out of frustration. He hasn’t slept in _days,_ and another new timeline is taking a toll on him. He’s _exhausted_.

But, despite it all, he immediately tries to construct an idea of what happened and where _the current them_ are. The _them_ that was never adopted by Sir Reginald Hargreaves. Did they grow up? Are they out there, shattered around the globe? Or will they disappear, replaced by the them now from their original timeline? 

“No, there’s no need,” Lila answers Vanya, sweeping her free hand at the family portrait, though her dark eyes locked with one person. “Diego, meet my son Diego.”

Several mouths dropped.

Alison found her voice first, “When I heard that you and Diego escaped from an asylum together, I didn't really think there was anything wrong with you. But now …” She presses her lips together. “You really are crazy, aren't you?”

Lila frowns at this.

“Don't you think it's a little weird to adopt my alternate self as your son?” Diego asks.

“You did say we were her family.” Luther points out.

Diego glares at his brother. “Not like this!” He did tell Luther in _full_ confidence that he loved Lila a moment ago — and now, _this_ is happening? Can't he catch a break?

“Forget your weird love status!” Klaus declares. “Let's focus on the fact that I was right!” He gestures at the family portrait. Or more accurately, at the version of Five that aged normally along with his siblings. “Look at him! I called it! Five did grow up hot. Actually —” Klaus pauses, looking at the portrait as a whole. “Is it just me or does alternative us look hotter than we all do on a good day? Is it mental stability?”

“I think I need to sit down.” Vanya states, followed by her sinking into the nearest chair.

“That would be for the best. I'm blown away by our attractiveness too.” Klaus replies, earning a stare from Allison. He ignores it though and sprawls himself on a couch.

Five ends up the only one standing as the others take in the news. He mutters to himself; name-calling, ranging about Lila’s lack of commitment to the years of training at the Commission and its broken rule; swinging his fists at the futile attempts and all the nonsense his family has gone through.

On one hand, it made sense for Lila to pull such a stunt; time travelling to adopt the Umbrella Academy.

On the other, not much made sense anymore. Not their age or their pasts or the fact that some of them are barely functioning, running on a single brain cell that’s passed around like a joint. There are too many possibilities, too many paradoxes and a lot of confusing elements.

“You look unhinged, Five,” Vanya states, calmer now.

“I think I’m spiralling.” 

He’s going mad! How could this have happened? Had their father hated their clownery so badly that dear old Reggie decided to edit them out of the timeline completely? Had they fucked up so disastrously that this version of him is officially related to the Handler?!

“Why did you adopt us?!” Five exclaims, ready to tear his hair out but managing to hold his stare at Lila.

Lila folds her hands on her lap before explaining herself once more, "I thought about what you said, about us being family,” Luther pats himself silently at this. “and I figured I should finish what my mum couldn't — except, I'm doing it better. Trust me, your biological parents literally sold you out for money. Your current selves could have ended up in foster care or worst. I couldn't let you guys grow up as orphans,"

"So you became our mother instead?"

"Basically, yeah." Lila shrugs. "It's okay. Think of it this way; I got rid of your Daddy Issues! If your current selves have any problems, it would just be Mommy Issues, and that isn't as bad, is it?"

"Don't … Don’t _you_ have Mommy Issues?" Allison asks because it doesn’t take a genius to notice that. It’s the eyeliner, by the way.

"I, well — Yes. But —"

"I think Mommy Issues makes things worse.” Klaus pipes up. “Look at Diego, he has both, that's why he ended up in that nuthouse."

The others began nodding.

But Vanya takes a second to really stare at Diego and notes that he's too shocked to say another word. He's probably in denial.

“We’re getting off-topic,” Lila says, trying to steer the siblings back to the reason she dragged them all here.

“It’s a theme.”

“Look, guys —”

"Mum?"

The Hargreeves turns in unison, startled by the familiar tone, and then — the itching began.

* * *

**end**

**Author's Note:**

> Notes 2: To Maisie, I remembered you saying you went looking for The Umbrella Academy fics back when Season One just finished, so if you stumbled upon mine — Hi!
> 
> To everyone else reading this — I hope you enjoyed the crack?
> 
> — 8 August 2020


End file.
